Well Darling This is it
by Dreadl0cked
Summary: Jade can't handle the pressure of life. She feels herself cracking more and more every day. After and incident at lunch she finds her self spending time with Tori more often. This opens up a whole new world of anxiety. Jade isnt sure if she can take it. JADE CENTRIC. Jori
1. Chapter 1

**Hi there! So I started a new story and I hope it's up to your standards. It's jade centric. I worked pretty hard on this so tell me if you like it!**

**I DO NOT OWN VICTORIOUS**

Jade

It's one of those days. I feel sick to my stomach with rage. I'm not sure why. This sorta thing just happens. I wake up and suddenly I'm pissed off. There are literally so many reasons I don't know where to start. Beck and I broke up a while ago. That's not why I'm pissed though. It was actually a very clean break up. In fact we're closer now. I'm pissed because his new girlfriend, Taren, thinks she can tell us when we're allowed to talk. I'm furious because everyone in the government is an idiot, my mom is a drunk, my dad doesn't call, and I'm pretty sure I'm getting an ulcer.

My therapist says I worry too much. "You're taking on the weight of the world." She says. Well I wouldn't have to if literally anyone in the world was smart enough to fix this shit. I roll over on my bed and clutch my aching stomach. Maybe she's right. If I didn't care so much maybe I wouldn't always want to throw up. Oh no, now I actually have to throw up.

I run to the bathroom as fast as I can and give up my fears to the toilet. Without going into detail I will say it was the burning _awful_ kind of puke. As soon as it was over I scrubbed my teeth for 3 minutes and they headed back to my room.

I considered calling in sick but that seemed weak. I was Jade West. I could handle a little tummy ache. Looking at the clock I noticed I only had a half an hour so I decided to slum it a bit. No I was not sporting sweats and a messy bun. My idea of "fuck it" is a pair of black skinny jeans and a Lou Reed's shirt (Rest in Peace) with my hair done and as much mascara as I feel like doing at the time.

Soon I'm out the door and into my car. I stop to get a coffee (black, 2 sugars) and begin my trek to school. I am greeted by Cat in the parking lot. She is sporting a Pajelehoocho and big sunglasses. "What up with the shades?" I ask her as I get closer.

"The other day I read your diary-"

"CAT!"

"And you said you only saw darkness so I tried walking around with my eyes closed but I kept bumping into stuff. I even got a bruise, see!" She lifted up her shirt to show a small yellowish spot of her side, "So I thought these glasses might give me the Jade perspective."

"First of all: It's a journal. Second: If you ever touch my JOURNAL again I will burn an effigy of your likeness in that very same pajelehoocho. And third: When I said I only see darkness I meant-"

"HEY TORI!" Cat squealed before sprinting over to her "gal pal" Vega. That chick irked me. She didn't do anything but that was exactly the point. She didn't have to do anything. She just smiled and flipped her then suddenly opportunities spread their legs like a 2 dollar whore. I bet she never woke up having to spew due to her anxiety. I'm even willing to guess she gets 8 hours of sleep. Fuck Tori Vega.

I head to Sikowitz's class where I will spend the day. I bet you're wondering if we even go to other classes. The answer is yea, sometimes. We're seniors now so we kinda of get to pick and choose what we do. It's very different from public school. I'm Sikowitz's student aid so I spend 2 periods with him. I'm also in his advanced acting class so there's another period. And then since I doubled up on all my other core classes I have enough credits to have 3 study halls. Sometimes I go to Ms. Franks for screenwriting but I usually just wallow in self-pity in my home away from…hell.

The lack of sleep from the past few days makes class unbearable. "I'm leaving." I announce.

"And why is that?" Sikowitz asks. I turn around and glare at him. He erupts into giggles before sipping on his coconut and asking Robbie to come on stage. As I leave my eye catches Vega's and I can see worry flash across her face. I flip her off and walk out. I hear a, "Wow, really?" leave her mouth before the door shuts.

I am hiding now. Well I guess it isn't hiding because all my friends know where I am but I'm still trying to be alone. I just need to breathe. I lie down and use my bag as a pillow to rest my head on. I'm about to fall asleep when the thoughts come back.

_What if you don't make it as a writer? Could you even handle a real job?_

_ You shouldn't have come to school today I can just feel something evil. Do you think Sinjin will shoot the place up? I guess it wouldn't matter. I mean we're all gonna die sometime. At least this wouldn't be a slow painful death from cancer. At least you'd have a bit of fame, right? A 15 minute memorial on the local news. Oh god you're gonna puke again._

And I did. Luckily the Janitors' closet has plenty of trashcans. I wipe my mouth right when the bell rings. Lunch time.

I grab a salad and head to our table. I don't talk but to ensure no one bothers me I throw in a couple sarcastic remarks. Beck pats my arm and smiles at me. He knows me; he knows I'm not okay.

"Becky Poo! What the hell? I thought you was sitting with me today." Taren shouts. It pains me to say this but we do have similar traits. We're both fairly bossy only she has this jersey girl thing going for her. Beck gives us all a small wave and heads off.

Tori scoots closer to me and I growl at her. She's scared for a second but then giggles to herself. Everyone else was talking and enjoying themselves when that clumsy little shit Robbie ran over. If we're honest I don't actually dislike him, he just irks me. Anyways, he's running with food in his hand and trips. Guess who it falls on.

Me.

"Oh my God. Jade…I-I am SO sorry!" Robbie stutters. I don't move. I clench my teeth and think for a second. I know it's dumb since it was such a small thing but it feels like the last straw. I begin to laugh.

"Jade? You okay?"

I wasn't. And they could all sense that. I didn't yell or scream or threaten. I just sat there. Tori watched me the most. As if at any second I might implode.

"You know they often say 'Sometimes in life you don't get what you want.' I've realized that's a lie. It's actually most times that you do not get what you want. Most times things are terrible. In fact they always are." I said before lying my head down on the lunch table and beginning to cry. No one moved.

"Jade I really didn't think it was so bad. I'm really sorry. Take these napkins." Robbie said desperately. Cat began to whimper and Andre hugged her. I stood up and wiped my face.

I simply said, "Sorry." Before taking my things and heading to my car.

When I got there I noticed I'd been followed. Tori slides into the passenger seat and sits quietly. For a second I simply stare at her and consider ripping off her face. But then the nausea is back. So instead I sob wildly in the parking lot with Tori Vega rubbing my back. "Get out and switch seats." She says.

I do. She takes my keys and begins to drive me home. She plugs her pearphone in and begins playing some soft acoustic songs. Eventually I stop crying. The music plays all the way home but we don't say a word.

Once we arrive she takes me into the house and I lie down on my couch. She brings me over a cup of coffee and a few packets of sugar. "Vega I-"

"We don't have to talk." She says. I nod.

I sit up to sip my coffee and begin to watch her. She catches me staring and holds my gaze. She smiles softly. "I'm going to ask you to do something that might make us both uncomfortable. You don't have to do it. Also realize that this is only happening because I'm crying" I say still staring, "Please come lay with me for a bit. Beck and I used to cuddle when I was…like this. So I kinda want that."

She stood and walked slowly over to me. I put down my coffee and lay down. She pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped it around us. I lifted my head as her arm snaked under me. I cuddled into her shoulder and closed my eyes. She smelled like vanilla.

I fell asleep listening to her hum a lullaby I'd heard somewhere before. Somewhere magical. Kind of like her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey! New chapter and I hope it sets up the story better than my first chapter. I know it seems very similar to my other story but trust me its not. Stick around and see :)**

**I DO NOT OWN VICTORIOUS**

Jade

Breathing is a strange thing. Deep breaths are stranger. You let wandering gusts of air into your aching chest just to sustain whatever life you believe you deserve to live. It's a weird sensation. Not breathing I mean. Feeling your body numb and burn to the point that you can hear colors. It's even crazier when you pass out because it's the only way you sleep anymore.

Tori stops by whenever I skip school. She thinks I'm giving up. Really I'm just giving in.

Breathe in.

My parents love this side of me. They wanted me to break down and see things for how they really are. They think that maybe now I'll give up on my plays. Who knows, chances are I will. Tori smacked me when I said that. I didn't even mean to tell her it just sort of came out.

"You deserve to write plays that make people cry. You deserve to act and sing and dance. You deserve to be here. Do not ever think you don't or so help me I'll…do something."

Breathe out

She was cute like that. Well not cute but like, whatever. She was _funny._ There. Even when she was trying to encourage me she made it dorky. It was refreshing.

"Why've you been like this? I know you told me you didn't want to talk about it but it's getting worse and I can't watch you flop around like a fish out of water forever." Tori asks one day while we cuddle on my couch. We do that a lot lately.

"I dunno really. It's just that literally everything is awful. Haven't you noticed?"

Breathe in.

"That is so not true. There are little things that count for more than you can even fathom." She pulls my chin towards her and looks into my eyes. I pull back quickly. I can't stand that feeling she gives me. It's the same as the stomach pains only not as bad. It's confusing and sometimes adds to my already loaded list of worries. But sometimes it's a relief to feel something other than terrified.

Breathe out.

Tori is watching me now. She's glancing at me every single time I move. Her eyes follow my fingertips as they brush my hair back. "We've been hanging out a lot, haven't we?"

"I guess." I reply.

"Does that bother you?"

"I don't know. Does it matter? You've always wanted us to be friends so why are you questioning all this now?" I look her dead in the eyes. She opens her mouth to speak but says nothing. She just shakes her head and smiles.

"I gotta go Jade." Tori grabs all of her things and rushes to the door. I know she wants me to follow but I refuse. People are always expecting something that they'll eventually realize they don't want. She never really wanted to be a friend to me, that's why she's so freaked out right now. She can't handle even handle me at my best, my worst must seem like some sort of atomic explosion in reverse.

Breathe in.

Tonight I'm feeling okay. Well not exactly okay but at least I'm not hovering above the toilet like most nights. I've gone all day without puking I'm hoping I can keep this trend going. 8:30. It's still fairly early. I can feel something but I don't know what. Something hiding in the back of my mind. Something important. Something I've forgotten. Something I-

Breathe out.

I grab my phone and check y messages. No new ones. So get on my Slap page and scroll through my feed. My stomach beings to hurt When I see a post from Vega. It catches on fire when I see that she is now in a relationship. It feels like erupting when I see she's with Ryder Daniels again. She was here not even an hour ago and now she's in a relationship with that douche?

Breathe in.

That's who she'd been texting during the movie. God dammit why does this even bother me so much? She's worthless and disgusting and pathetic and a million times better than I could ever dream of being. Oh my god. It's starting again.

The pain was getting worse. My stomach felt like razors were being dragged along its lining. I felt sick and scared. But more than anything pissed off.

I sprinted up the stairs and grabbed my sharpest pair of scissors then I ran to get in my car. I drove to the park down the street from my house. When I got out I found the nearest tree and being to stab it. I repeatedly smashed my scissors into its wooden exterior hoping I could murder the pain in my gut. I don't know why this hurts so much. I don't know why I am so angry.

Breathe out.

My pearphone is suddenly in my hand and I don't even realize that I'm dialing her number. She answers on the third ring. "Fuck you Vega. Fuck you! Don't bother talking to me ever again you piece of shit. I don't need you. I never did. Stay out of my life!"

"Jade what the hell are you talking about what's wrong!?"

"Screw you!" I scream before hanging up. I can't think. The world is spinning. I'm breathing in deeper and deeper. I cannot breathe. Suddenly it's black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Short chapter. Sorry!**

**I DO NOT OWN VICTORIOUS**  


Jade

"Why does it even matter to you!?" Tori yells at me.

"How can you be with someone who uses you?"

"You act like you give a damn about me but we both know you don't. Is this just some power thing? Why should you choose who I hang out with?" She shouts. She gets up and starts pacing the length of the room.

"I don't want him to hurt you! I just can't see how you're letting this happen all over again. He isn't worth it."

"HE'S WHAT I DESERVE!" We both get quiet. Tori is crying now and I don't know what to say. I shouldn't have forced her to talk about this. I needed to understand. Now I do. "That is so not true Vega and you know it. You deserve someone who cares about you and wants what's best for you."

She laughs bitterly, "You mean someone like you." Tori looks me in the eyes and it's almost as if she's realized something, "You're jealous aren't you?" I stay quiet. There is nothing more to say. She wipes her eyes, gets her things, and leaves.

She found me this morning, passed out in the field of my neighborhood park. Apparently she'd been really worried the night before. She was even more freaked when she found me unconscious. It isn't a big deal. When I get too stressed I sometimes forget to breathe. Which sounds dumb but it's how things happened.

She was determined to drive me home even though I almost bit her head off the minute I was awake enough to see her. She took it like a champ. Until she figured it out I guess.

So this is it. This is where you expect some big revelation. Some magical realization of my own feelings. Well here it is. I love her. I love having her around and I love picking on her and how she lets me. I've always known this I just found it irrelevant. I had assumed it didn't need to be said. Honestly I'd thought she'd known all along. I was wrong.

Every part of me wishes I could go back and tell her. But I can't. So instead I go take some Adderall and work on writing a new play. This is how things are now. Taking drugs just to do the things I love. I'll just have to get used to it.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm back! And hopefully you like the update. I tried to make it a good one. Please leave a review if you can :) It's appreciated.**

**I DO NOT OWN VICTORIOUS**

Jade

"I don't want to talk okay? Just let me sleep next to you for a while." I say as I crawl into Beck's bed. He doesn't say anything he just wraps me up in his arms. "You know, sometimes when people say they don't wanna talk they actually do." He says as he strokes my hair. "Yea well I hate people like that." Beck laughs but asks no more questions. I let out a sigh of relief as a silent thank you. I just need some peace from the bitter thoughts in my head. As I lie on his chest I begin to count his heartbeat hoping it can calm me down.

1, 2, 3

I bet he's touching her.

4, 5, 6

I bet she likes it.

7, 8, 9

She doesn't care about me. How could she?

10, 11, 12

I bet he makes her happy

I bet he is the one.

Beck's heart keeps beating but mine begins to shatter.

13, 14, 15

She's forgotten all about me.

16, 17, 18

I bet she doesn't want to remember. I'm not the type of thing anyone wants to think about. I'm not even me anymore. I'm a whiny ball of self-hatred. I have a confidence so deep seeded it's growing in reverse.

19, 20, 21

Beck's cologne begins to suffocate me and the worries pour in. She doesn't love me. I don't even love me. That's why everyone keeps leaving. It scares me how quickly my mind can make me a catastrophist. How something as simple as a touch can send me spiraling into the abyss of self loathing. Mom, Dad, the whole world is giving up on me. I start bawling right there on Beck's chest.

"Jade! Jade you're okay, calm down. Breathe, Jade, breathe."

"I can't! You, you're gonna leave me too!" I say as I sob wildly.

"What are you talking about no one is leaving you! You're safe. Dammit Jade, breathe." He sits me up and cups my face in his hands. "If I was planning on leaving you would I have gone behind my girlfriends back to take care of you today?" I shake my head. "Exactly."

"I don't know what to do."

"You could try talking to her."

"God I can't even think about that. I'll probably break down before I even open my mouth."

"Jade, you're one of the strongest people I know. So be brave. And even if you can't be, be an actress and fake it."

He's looking into my eyes now and I know he can see right through me. My guard has been shot since…_it_ happened. Beck wipes off some of my running mascara and kisses my forehead. I begin to breathe again. Suddenly I know what I have to do. "You're right Beck. You're always fucking right."

I shoot up from the bed and leave the trailer. As I get into my car I shoot a text to Tori asking her to meet me at a coffee shop downtown on 13th street. She replies barely a second later with, I_ don't want to see you._

I tell her it's urgent but she says, _I'm with Ryder…_

The thought makes me feel like puking but I refrain and send her one final message begging her to stop by. She gives in and my body feels light again.

I'm driving like a madman but my thoughts are racing even faster than my car as I drift over the speed limit. When I arrive I see her car parked up front and my stomach flips. Suddenly the fear is back. And oddly enough, so is the old Jade. Beck was right, sometimes you've gotta fake it.

I strut confidently into the coffee shop and spot her sipping a latte in a corner booth way in back. I sit down on the opposite side and look at her. It's quiet. We just stare at each other.

"So are you going to talk or…"

"Yes, obviously. Why else would I have brought you here?" I snap at her.

"Looks like someone's got their bite back." She says with a small smile drifting over her lips which quickly recedes into a thin line. I notice something then. The bags under her eyes with the tired smile that doesn't reach far above her mouth. Something clicks in me then.

I realize I was wrong. She isn't perfect. Not really.

"Well Vega we've got ourselves a problem. Or rather I do but it involves you and I'm sure you will be just as bad at handling it as I am." I watch as she takes another sip then looks down into her lap.

"It would appear that I'm in love with you." I say.

Tori shakes her head softly and laughs, "Please don't say that."

"Why not?

"Because you can't mean it." Her fingers reach for the cup and begin to fiddle with the lid, "You can't love me because I'm not real. I'm the epitome of peer pressure. I've spent the last 17 years of my life molding myself into something people might like. So whatever it is about me you think you love…you're wrong."

I'm taken back by how easily those words drip from her mouth. Her eyes meet mine and I recognize that broken look anywhere. She reminds me of myself and it calms the tidal waves in my stomach.

"That isn't true." I whisper, "I love you Tori. I love you."

Her eyes begin to water and her brow furrows, "Don't say that. You'll ruin everything. Please."

"I love you."

"No."

"I do. With every fiber of my being I love you."

"Why is it that no one can care for me without an ounce of selfishness in it? Why can't you love me and not just be searching for some way to fill the void? Look at me Jade. Actually look at me. I'm nothing." She's crying now and I want so badly to touch her but I can tell that isn't what she needs.

She's right. I've been selfish. I thought she could save me.

"Here's what we're going to do." She says drying her eyes, "I'm going to be with Ryder and I'm going to pretend to be happy for as long as possible. And you…you are going to be my friend. At least until you figure out what that means."

"I can't let you be with him."

"Jesus, what happened to you Jade? You used have a spine. Since when did you beg?"

"What happened to you? You used to have a heart. When did you start breaking them instead?"

She looks me in the eyes and begins to laugh uncontrollably as if I'd said something so hilarious it was unbearable. I look at her as if she'd lost her mind and I realize that maybe like me she had.

Maybe she's been through something worse than…_it._ Maybe she's just as broken as I am. I cling to the hope that maybe we can fix each other.


End file.
